Losing It.

Celebrating the little things

Awhile back, I asked Adam to help keep me accountable. Poor guy. This was before I had Sam the last time I was doing WW. The hard thing about it was that whenever he'd say, "are you really hungry for that?" I would get offended. It took me back years to remember all the times I'd hear 'fat' comments. bah. It wasn't fair for me to put that on him. Now, if he helps remind me I don't need another cookie, I am grateful for it. He does it because first of all, I asked him to and second of all, he knows the goal.

Do you know your goal? I think I've gotten a little bored and sloppy about my goal. Where every time I turned down pizza or dessert used to feel like a triumph, now it feels necessary, like an obligation - and I've forgotten to celebrate those small milestones!

Last night, we took Sophia to our favorite pizza place. Giordano's. They have stuffed cheese Chicago style pizza like you wouldn't believe. Some people (the crazy ones) think all the cheese is gross. They are insane. So, we sat down and the waitress there knows us. She knows I'm going to be high maintenance and ask her about nutritional values and end up with a salad anyway. I sort of ruined my salad with too much vinegar and oil (I thought the two little containers were supposed to be mixed, like one was vinegar and the other oil. Not so. It was kinda nasty dumping both on there. I only needed one.)

Anyway, I didn't eat any of that pizza. I had three small garlic toasts with my so-called salad and really just had fun hanging out with my family. It was so much less about the food by now - and it should be. I've been at this for three months now, I should be able to say no to the pizza. Thing is, I should've been able to say no to birthday cake too. And since I'm all about being honest, I didn't eat one piece of that cake, I ate two. One was my entire lunch and the other I had after dinner at my mom's. (They had my other favorite pizza.I ate that one.)

Have you noticed when you mess up early in the day it's easy to just throw all caution to the wind and keep eating whatever you want. That's so backwards. Gotta get a grip on that. By my calculations, I went about 7 points into my bonus points for the week. Not bad, but I still feel totally guilty.

Anyway. I'm about to throw the Easter candy out the window followed by the leftover snacks we made for Sophia to take to school for her birthday. I also NEED to go get groceries, which is so challenging right now because 1. I have to make a list to know what I need to make these recipes and 2. We're just now starting to get healthy - so I've been putting it off until everyone felt better. I need to start cooking again.

Okay. Here's my list of objectives. Things I am going to change on this, the first day of April. I'm down 14 pounds in three months. Not bad - not great - just, it is what it is. By June, I need to lose at least that much and it's not going to happen unless I refocus.

1. Get back to drinking ALL my water. (two big 32 oz. jugs a day - at least)

2. Cook from home and try new WW recipes

3. track everything. No more snitching laffy taffys from the cupboard

Those are a good place to start and I'm sure will make a huge difference. :)

Hopefully! How will you refocus?

Super Fast update

I just updated my other blog, but I wanted to post on here quick. I weighed in on Thursday and was down another 1.8. That's 14 pounds now, and I hit a major road block this weekend: birthday cake. I haven't been able to quite get away from the sugar ever since. Ugh.

So, I need to get back to that first week the way I wanted to - when I didn't unconsciously pop food and candy in my mouth without tracking it first. I need to get back to my water - it's taken a back seat. I need to get to the grocery store and get cooking again. It's been too long. When things get busy, I head for the drive through - and while I track those things and make good choices, it's not good food - it's not good for me and I know it.

No more. Putting my foot down. Not willing to quit now - I've got about 14 pounds more to get to my pre-pregnancy weight (and then at least that much to get to my goal.) While I am doing pretty good, I know I could be doing better.

Need to be more diligent. That's my goal for this week - track everything, quit snacking without thinking. Make better choices. Make choices ON PURPOSE.

I'm going to win. One way or another! :)

You with me?

Scared of the scale

I gotta be honest. I'm terrified to get on the scale. I think I've doomed myself. Even though I have pretty much stayed under my points (with the exception of Easter, when I used 5 bonus points) I haven't been eating well. I've had too many sweets and snitched too much Easter candy. I think part of the problem too is having gone to too many places where I don't KNOW for sure the points I'm eating - leaving me to guess, which is honestly so scary - I almost always guess higher than I think I should and later find out it's still not high enough.

This past two weeks has been so rough for us - everyone has been sick and then the Easter service that we did - plus, Adam's been working like a madman this past could of weeks, so it's just been harder than usual. The house is finally semi-clean and I've been working on getting the laundry caught up (does that ever happen?) but I know for a fact that I am not as strict as I was when I started Weight Watchers.

So. What's the plan?

Well, I'm glad you asked. The way I see it, I could relapse and continue wearing pants that are fastened by a rubber band (most of the pants I have actually button now, but for comfort's sake, I still rely on the band!) or worse, I could gain back what I've already lost... or I can take action. Refocus. Go back to week one and review what it is I need to do to get back on the wagon.

I think the second choice is a little more appealing than hanging onto the extra fat. I can feel the skinny me inside just waiting to get out and wear comfy, cute clothes by summer. Oh my gosh, that's only a couple months away! I need to get busy!

The other thing I've been thinking about is exercise. Remember when I started - I was sooo gung ho about the exercise - I felt so great. Then I realized I wasn't losing any weight. So I quit the exercise to concentrate only on the eating and I started to lose. It makes absolutely NO sense why that happened - but I'm starting to think the weight loss is less important than how I feel - and honestly, how long can my body FIGHT losing if I'm exercising? I am thinking about starting some pilates or yoga simply because since I had Sam I've seriously been struggling to feel good - I feel like my muscles are all balled up and tense. Ick.

So, I think I might tackle that. I'm supposed to weigh in on Thursday. I'm nervous. I am really nervous. But, it's time to face the music. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away...

The other thing I wanted to say was about a comment Shaun left on my last post. (Shaun, I tried to email you again but it bounced! I'm sorry!) One thing I've discovered about WW is that you HAVE to eat all your points. For me, I lose when I eat all my points plus about half my bonus points. Remember, you're not really 'going over' your daily allowance if you're keeping it under those 35 flex points. (My saving grace this weekend thanks to the pistachio dessert. Nine points for a slice of that baby.) Anyway. That will frustrate you if you continue to skimp on your points because your body will hold onto everything! (It makes no sense does it - that you have to EAT to lose?) But, ya do!

:)

So, anyway. I'm hopping back up on the wagon. I'm feeling better and looking for a chance to do some yoga today. (Patty, can you come teach me personal lessons? I think it's gonna be ugly!) :)

Is anyone else where I'm at? Needing to refocus? Start over before you get out of control? Please say I'm not alone!!

And have a great rest of the week!

Easy this isn't.

I know I talked about sabotage the last time I posted - and I swore I wasn't going to do it, but well, I sort of did it. Not on purpose, it's just been the way things have gone this week. I weighed in Thursday and was down another 1.6 pounds. That's 13 pounds total! I was pretty excited. And then my real week started. We had a women's conference at the church which meant lots of really fattening food and chocolate. I managed to stay away from most of it, but not knowing exactly how many points I used is REALLY hard for me and throws off the rest of my day - or in this case, two days.

Then I realized I was nauseous just about every day and have been for about six days. This nausea is accompanied by a dull headache that will not let up. I've had it for literally seven days. I am STRESSED out right now - so it very well could be the fact that I clench my jaw when I sleep. I woke up two of the days and my jaw HURT so badly. It could be the lack of water I've been drinking. It could be the lack of sleep since Ethan has also been sick (we're going to the doctor this morning.) It could be the aching in my neck muscles - still bugging me after having Sam. It could be a number of things. Whatever it is, it set me off.

I think I've been nauseous because when there's not 'good' food in the house, I tend to just not eat. I'll eat like, an apple all day or something. This is horrible because then I get nauseous and then I feel like I need to eat to get rid of the nausea. It's a circle. It's been a really terrible week for me. So terrible that I think I'm going to avoid the scale this morning and just concentrate on following my plan exactly for next week. I am not saying you should just not weigh-in, but I'm saying for me - I need the break to refocus and not get discouraged.

I have discovered about Weight Watchers that this plan really works - and it works best if you account for every bite of food you put in your mouth. When you inadvertantly (sp?) inadvertently? No clue how to spell that - anyway when you MINDLESSLY throw tiny quiches or choclates in your mouth, you aren't writing them down and then you are going over without realizing it. The other thing is that the things you choose don't stick to your body the same way. For instance, the apple I ate last night is digested differently than the entire bag of popcorn I ate the night before. (not the low fat kind of popcorn with a little bit of oil and parmasean, just straight from the bag Orville Redenbacher popcorn because I was nauseous and needed something quick.)

It's just different. So although I am exhausted today and Ethan did NOT sleep last night, I have decided today to focus on keeping something in my stomach and eating the RIGHT kinds of foods - not necessarily the quickest foods - and drinking tons of water even though my big jug is missing. I will get back on track in spite of the challenges I'm facing right now - pain being the most annoying of these.

sigh. No one said it would be easy, right?

Weighing in

I don't think I could ever do this without Weight Watchers, and I'll tell you why. Last week was hands down, one of the worst weeks of my life. The stress was enormous. We have a lot going on and it seemed that Murphy's Law was in full effect... everything that could go wrong did.

From the flood in our basement to double booking ourselves to changing plans at the very last minute to things spilling and kids getting sick enough for the words 'emergency room' to be spoken... it just wasn't a good week.

Typically, it would've been a week to eat... a lot. With my sweet friend Heather's comment about being under attack locked in my head, I went on about each day, armed with the perfect number of points I was supposed to consume. I have started using about half of my bonus points each week and then half on the day I weigh in (which is one treat I have been wanting - like a mocha or something) - so knowing that, I was able to stay within my points.

Thursday was a crazy day. Adam did the chapel at Sophia's school, so I went there, then ran to Weight Watchers to weigh in then ran to IHOP where Adam was eating with the members of the praise team that had come to do chapel with him then to a women's meeting at the church then to a birthday lunch. The good news is that I was down another 1.8 pounds. I've lost about 11.8 pounds now, and I'm really starting to notice. I've found that people asking me how I'm doing it or telling me I look like I'm losing really encourages me to keep going.

About this time is when a nasty little thing called SELF SABOTAGE kicks in. You start to relax, feel good about the progress you're making and maybe let up a little bit on tracking points or being careful about what you're putting in your mouth. Don't do this. Do not let up. Press on and do not be swayed by the voices telling you "Oh, just splurge... you deserve it... you just had a baby... you can eat cake once in awhile..." Listen instead to my voice telling you (from experience) "You will feel worse if you eat it... think about how good you're going to feel when you get on that scale to weigh in... even if it's only you and bathroom wall celebrating your success. Think about how good it feels to be in control instead of giving in to every food whim you've got."

It's been just under three months since I started doing this. Granted, I would rather have a bigger number to boast, but I have to stay focused on the positives. Here is my progress so far:

I know - I look really happy in that last one. The truth is, Adam was having trouble getting the camera to take the picture and this was the best of all three 'concerned' looks on my face. sorry 'bout that. I think you can tell the difference better from the side:

and can we say 'posture issues'?

I could rip on myself all day, but I won't. Instead I'll say 'job well done... so far...' and refuse to sabotage myself this early in the game.

I hope you are doing well!

GREAT dessert & quick lunch idea

I'm up to my eyeballs in scrapbooking mess, but I had to take a second to post this. At my WW meeting Thursday, the ladies were talking about this cake. My ears perked up because of my insane sweet tooth and that afternoon when I was out shopping, I grabbed the stuff and made it the next day. It's SOOOO easy and GOOD!

You just take a package of just add water Angel Food Cake mix (Pillsbury is supposedly better than Betty Crocker) - then, instead of adding water to it, add crushed pineapple. I added two small cans so there was enough juice. Then you bake it for about a half an hour for 30 minutes and that's it. Cut it in 12 pieces and you've got 2 point slices - 24 pieces would obviously be 1 point. It is soooo yummy. Very sweet and light and just plain good!! I'm having a little trouble today because I am starving, but it's good to have this stuff around the house.

One other yummy discovery - I have a hard time thinking of food as anything other than what it's supposed to be. For instance, the extra lean ground beef patties were always - in my mind - to be used for hamburgers. You know, slice of cheese, ketchup, pickle if you like it - eat it on a bun kind of burgers. Especially good with tomato, lettuce and a tiny bit of mayo. I'm sure that's a healthy meal.

Anyway. I decided the patties are really just for convenience and they give me a great one person portion without having to waste the rest of the meat - so I sprayed a pan with Pam, threw in some onions, mushrooms, a little bit of pepper and garlic and then fried the hamburger right in there. The patties are four points - the rest of the stuff is free. No bun - I just ate it that way. It's really pretty good - so easy - and filling. Those patties are definitely for more than burgers!!

:) (Though the occasional burger just cant' be beat!)

Back to work I go!

Another week - another weigh-in

Okay. I woke up this morning dying to get on the scale. I had promised myself I wouldn't get on it at all this week until weigh-in day. My scale weighs me a little less than the WW scale (probably the clothes, I'm guessing). The number I saw staring back at me made me clasp my hand over my mouth and nearly shout for joy. I reached my first goal.

aaaakkkhhhhsdkfjwoei;xckv!!!!

I was down another 2 pounds from last week - by my scale's standards. Of course, according to WW, I am on the brink of my goal, meaning it weighed me about 1.5 lbs. heavier - which in this case, makes all the difference in the world. Since I need to stop confusing myself with all these different scales and what they're saying, I'm going to try and focus on just one scale and not the other. I'm tempted to go with the one at WW because it's official and whatnot, but then, my scale in the bathroom is nicer to me - plus, I can get a better reading because you know, the clothes thing.

So, according to my scale, I am officially down 10 pounds.

Holy darn.

This morning, I wore a pair of pants that were sort of my benchmark pants when I was losing before. They started out snug and then little by little got so loose I couldn't wear them anymore. They are, sadly, snug again, but last week I couldn't button them. Today, in spite of the snugness, they were buttoned.

My jeans are the same way. I've been doing the little wrapping a rubberband around the button trick so I could wear them, but they were getting too big. Yesterday, I buttoned them. It felt good. It felt REALLY good.

So while I have grown a little weary in this race (choosing to eat out a little more than I would like - even though I only eat what I can track ie. Arby's hot ham melt = 6 pts.) I am plugging along. I gave up my coffee creamer last week - another reason I think I was down. I honestly had no idea how much I was consuming - I didn't want to know - but now I see it was enough to keep me from losing.

The other thing I wanted to mention is the word NO. I realized yesterday as I was grabbing dinner for the kids before church at a fast food restaurant, I tell myself NO at least ten times a day. Seriously. It's so hard to do it, but I have to - NO to the french fries, NO to the cookies. NO to the ice cream. No matter how much I want those things, I realized in order to win this fight, I've got to implement the word NO a little more often.

That goes for telling people no too - you can't do everything. You have to make yourself a priority - and that means telling yourself YES and saying NO to the things that are going to suck your time and pull you away from the thing you're trying to focus on. Other people can't make you thin - only you can do that. Last week, I was tempted to go along with the scheduling of a meeting during my WW time. I spoke up and said I'd be late because I had a meeting and you know what - they decided to push it back a half an hour. Sometimes, you have to be willing to say "No, this is important - I can't miss it.) The benefits are sooo priceless.

And so are jeans that button.

Putting the scale in its place.

I've decided in order to keep things understandable in my mind I'm not going to weigh in or post my weight on any day but Thursday. I'm honestly not sure I can NOT stay off the scale until Thursday, but I'm going to try. It makes no sense to keep having this little weight roller coaster in my mind. It messes me up.

When I started WW, (officially, like went to the meetings,) I was two pounds less than when I started my weight loss journey at home, so whatever my weight is, I'll add my two pounds to it, but other than that, I'm waiting til Thursdays to weigh.

This past Thursday, someone at the meeting really gave me such a revelation (which is why I love the meetings to begin with.) One of the ladies had gotten lifetime that day ( she'd lost 23 pounds and almost apologized it was such a small number... as a friend of hers pointed out, that last 10 can be the hardest to lose.) Anyway, her friend was also a lifetime member and when our leader posed the question "How many of you feel like it's coming off really slowly?" I was one of many who raised their hands.

This lifetime member looked around the room and said, "You know, last year, I decided it was MY YEAR," she said, "I knew it was my year to make a change - and I knew it could take a WHOLE YEAR. I gave myself that time." I realized this isn't about losing this weight super fast - it's about changing my life for good. I don't intend to keep doing this over and over again. I intend for this to be the last time I fight this battle. So if it takes a little longer than I'd like, so be it.

I wrestled with that idea for awhile because, like everyone else, I don't WANT to wait. I want this to relish sweet success which really, so often alludes me. But the alternative to letting it come of slowly is to give up... and that, in my mind, just isn't an option.

So, I press on. Yesterday my grandma was admitted into the hospital, so my mom, sister, aunt and I were all together and hungry. We ate at a favorite restaurant in my hometown, and I tried to lighten my favorite meal up a little bit, but I used my bonus points and felt pretty good about my choices. Intending to eat something and go over my points is far different than being caught off guard and giving in to the ice cream in the freezer or the carmel corn in the pantry.

I'm learning to track everything - even my bonus points, which I used to just spend on one treat a week - and to move on. That's my plan. I've read where some people need to eat all their bonus points to lose. Others need to eat about half. Still others - zero. I'm testing the waters to see what works for me. That is what takes time. I'm losing slowly... but it's okay with me. I'm pressing on.

Discoveries of the week: Pizza Hut Veggie Lover's Pizza (HAND TOSSED crust) is really good at only 4.5 points a slice. Stay away from the breadsticks, which are 3 points a piece. You CAN go out for pizza and still stay on the plan!

COFFEE CREAMER IS FROM THE DEVIL. Okay, let's talk about this one. I've been loving the Starbucks Skinny lattes - yum. I can track them easily and they get me some milk, which is good. This week at our meeting, someone brought up coffee. I looked down a little sheepishly because if I'm honest, I don't track my coffee. It's not something I've ever wanted to know the points to. I get fat free creamer, but I knew deep down it was still high in sugar, and therefore - calories.

So, I cut back a little bit, but I still drink it - and I still don't track it. Add that to the fact that I'm eating bonus points, and I'm probably just skating by - creamer canceling out my good choices for the week. one lady in our group said, "I found out this week I'm drinking 350 calories a day in creamer." My eyes grew wide. Oh MY GOSH. I bet I'm drinking at least that many. what is that, like 7 points?? SEVEN? Going over 7 points a day is not going to fly.

So, our leader brought up sugar free syrups - you can get these at Wal-mart in the coffee aisle. I bought one - sugar free vanilla, but I haven't tried it yet. Time to be honest with myself, people. Not tracking doesn't make the calories go away... it just keeps you from losing the weight.

sigh. I would write more, but Sammers just woke up. did I mention he's sleeping in his bed now? Yeah. This one was about a three hour nap. God Bless the swaddling blanket. :)

A word to the wise...

Don't get scale obsessed.

I know. Many people have told me this along the way. I don't listen well, apparently because I get on the scale at LEAST every other morning - if not every morning. bah. Yesterday, I have to be honest... I wanted to quit. Completely throw in the towel. I was confused. I've done everything right. I slipped up with the ice cream, but easily stayed within my flex points in spite of that. I am tired of trying to 'figure out' the business of weight loss.

I wondered if something was wrong with me. I wondered what I'm not doing right. Why had this been so easy last time? Maybe I should shoot for NutriSystem (one of our pastors has lost 110 pounds doing NutriSystem - he also swims and ice skates and weight trains - he looks amazing!)... but the money. ugh. Maybe I don't have enough good food in the house - it's been a little longer than I would like since my last grocery trip.

I'm rationalizing it all in my head - trying to find answers that aren't there.

I'm just not losing weight.

So, this morning... I tell all of this to Adam. I say, "I'm thinking I just want to throw in the towel." He said, "So, quit." He meant it too. I swear, he would be fine with me if I weighed 100 pounds more than I do right now. He just doesn't really care - what's up with that? (I think he knew it would have the opposite effect and make me dig my heels in a little firmer, but he played it cool.) When he left to take Sophia to school, I did what I knew I shouldn't. I got back on the scale.

Yes. The Scale. That fire-breathing, horn growing scale of evil. Not my friend.

I couldn't believe what I saw. I expected another gain (I had gone up one pound yesterday - thus, the frustration.) I was down. I was down two more pounds which meant my total is now EIGHT.

HUH?

I know the body fluctuates a lot - I realize that... but still... this is huge.

I still can't really believe it - but I hope it stays that way for my weigh in tomorrow!!

I don't know what I"m going to be eating today, but I am going to try and make a wal-mart run at some point. I need veggies and chicken and healthy stuff around here. When it's not here, I resort to fast food... not good.

So anyway, that's the tale of me and the fire-breathing scale.

Skinny Sister is looking especially skinny these days. I noticed it yesterday at a meeting we had at the church. It doesn't make me jealous though, it inspires me. I'll get there... :)

Hope your scale is your friend this week!... but maybe it's the kind of friend that only deserves a weekly visit instead of a daily one. What do you think?

Sundays are so hard.

Confession time.

I ate ice cream. not a lot of ice cream, but more than I should've considering earlier in the day I gave way to two sugar cookies - the frosted kind, shaped like hearts - gift from my mom for Valentine's Day. (These are my all-time favorite cookies.)

Not to add insult to injury, but the Girl Scout cookies came in.

sigh.

Now, when I ordered them, I knew I needed to go light on the Carmel Delites, so I only got one box (two of them are three points) and then I got Adam some peanut butter ones that I would never spend points on.

I haven't been eating healthy this week. Oh, I've been keep under my points, but that's part of the problem. Last night, I went to bed with eight points left. The night before it was seven. When my fridge isn't stocked, rather than eat something I'll regret, I just don't eat. Neither option is going to score me any points - or help me lose any weight. WW is clear - you have to eat your points.

I've also eaten out about four times - which is about four times more than I wanted to. Granted, I was able to stay with items I knew the points values for, but my body doesn't do well on this kind of food. In fact, it flat rejected it. I need to get to the grocery store, in spite of how busy I am - in spite of the winter storm. it's a must.

I didn't get to weigh in last week either. Thursday, Adam was set to help deliver flowers as a fundraiser for our youth department, so I figured I would try and go Friday or something. The only Friday meeting was at 8 a.m. and there was no way I would make it all the way out there by then, so it was a bust. bah.

It didn't really matter, though, according to my scale, I haven't dropped any more weight.

I am frustrated because I really did good last week.

sigh.

So, tomorrow is another day. Forgetting the ice cream. I can't beat myself up over the doggone cookie dough chunks. I'm just glad I didn't eat the whole pint. I probably ate one serving.

But still.

Tomorrow is another day.

I'm making corn and potato chowder.

Yum.