Losing It.

On track...

I've been trying to blog for a week on here. Blogging about how I want to be like Valerie Bertenelli and not Kirstie Alley. My entry was funny and full of photos of the two actresses and my favorite candies... Mike and Ikes... which seem to want to pull me off track.

And every time I tried to post... the computer would freeze up and kick me off the internet.

Huh?

I think it was the photos. Trying to insert them wasn't working very well for me. So, I gave up trying, went to CHA and tried my hardest to stay on plan.

It's hard to be away where you really can't count points and you're left to make good choices when you're starving and there's nothing but a greasy piece of pizza for you to eat, but I think overall I did okay. I had all my flex points, so I'm good. The morning I left, I weighed in and was down another 1.5 bringing my grand total so far to 21.5 pounds.

That little loss gave me what I needed to watch my consumption of regular soda. I ate a WW muffin for breakfast each day, and made some good choices (and some just okay choices) the rest of the time. The really great thing was, I didn't get sick. This is HUGE for me. I have never attended a trade show where I didn't get sick. I get very nervous when I travel, nervous to meet so many new people - and I eat poorly for the most part.

Anyway, with the exception of the chocolate in the booth on set-up day, I did pretty okay.

So, I'm back on plan totally now. Back to logging my food intake online, which really, really helps me. Back to drinking water and really concentrating on getting the rest of the weight off.

I have a new goal in site. My ultimate goal is to lose about another 25 pounds, but my short term goal is to lose 7. That will get me back to pre-pregnancy weight. September 17th I am heading to Minneapolis for a conference, and I really want to do my best to get more of this weight off before I go. That is my new goal. I need to set a number, but I tend to set myself up for disappointment when I do that. I actually thought I could lose the rest by then, but when I realized how few weeks it really is, it brought me back to reality. I've got 8 weeks and a couple of days before I go. Judging by the way I've been losing, that means I would lose one pound a week unless I can figure out some way to lose faster.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

:) I'm shooting for 10 pounds. think I can do it?

I feel fat.

Which means... it's time to add in the exercise. I know it. You know it. We all know it. You can't reach your goal weight without some movement. I love to exercise. It makes me feel amazing. Strong. Confident. Not as fat. But when in the world will I fit it in?? That's my big problem.

I've started going in a not good direction... since I was sick, I really haven't been eating enough. I go to bed with half my points left and that's just as bad as going over. You can't lose that way and I know it. I've gotten lazy and am praying Adam gets the grill out from the barricaded garaged. We need to grill out. It's just the easiest and best thing for the summer.

Ugh.

No picture right now. I just haven't had time. I am slipping. I can feel it. I haven't been tracking on paper - only in my head... and while I"m trying to still maintain WW, it's half-hearted at best. It's that middle of the way motivation... I have lost 20 and still want to lose about 20-25 more. Halfway there. I cannot quit now, and I know it - I mean it's just not an option and I won't... but I want that gung-ho starting it from the beginning feeling... the one where I want to cook and eat good, balanced, healthy low point meals. Where is that person?? Where is the person who was so incredibly dedicated to this?

It's hard to not be a cook. Because I have to admit... it's hard for me to want to cook. I have to CONVINCE myself it's the best thing. So, I resort to a lot of Smart Ones. And those get old, ya know?

Anyway. I'm still in it. I'm still trying. I'm a little bit stuck and really needing to get my butt moving.

if only there were more hours in the day.

update.

Is it lying if I KNOW a can of regular Coke is 3 points and I only write down 2?

Yesterday, it got to be about 7 p.m. and I was sitting here, working like a mad dog, eating Mike and Ikes (which I seriously love) and drinking a Coke.

Now, does this sound like a successful WW snack? I had plenty of points for it thanks to my lack of groceries. I ended up having to run to the store last night, though, so today I"m a little more on target. Won't end up with 19 points at 7 p.m. tonight!

My weakness for Coke is back.

I dont' know how to curb this craving.

When I'm warm/tired/stressed/... the coke is what I want. Notice I didn't say 'when I'm thirsty.'

ugh.

I normally would weigh in tomorrow. With camp this week, again...I might have to miss my meeting. It's okay, it's just a little frustrating. Next week, I should be back to normal.

:) I just wanted to update. I'm still on the plan, though I've made some room for Cokes in my ledger.

Sad that I spend extra points on mochas and sodas.

I could be having ice cream...

how are you doing?

No Weight Watchers for me today

No WW on account of my grandma's funeral. I can't even bring myself to get on the scale because I sort of took the week off from WW and I fear I've done some damage.

ugh.

I need to remember that just because there's a funeral that doesn't mean I can throw everything I've learned out the window and eat whatever I want.

ugh.

I will do better. I'm still getting my mocha today somehow, but after that, I'll do better.

Courtney

update.

I missed Weight Watchers this morning, opting instead to spend ridiculous money at the grocery store, where I've apparently been boycotting or something given the fact that we had absolutely no food in our house. I missed also because I'm still at the exact same spot I was at last week, which was down .6 from the week before.

point six.

sigh.

My leader said, "Hey, for being on vacation, that's REALLY good. I know she's right, but it's so hard not to be discouraged knowing it's almost June. Also knowing that I don't have time to do all the things I want to, let alone cook real food.

I have this thing against chicken too - unless it's cooked in the crock pot, I have a hard time eating it. I can stand it stir fried, but mostly when we do stir fry, I stock up on the veggies. Now, with summer coming and it's finally starting to warm up, I think we'll break out the grill, but it's soooo hard for me to want to cook when I have so many other projects going on.

So, I'm still pretty stuck. I'm down 18 pounds now, which is okay, but not where I wanted to be at this point.

If I'm honest with myself, I know a couple of the reasons why I'm stumped:

1. I have been completely avoiding water. I have no clue why - I really love water. If I have it on my desk, I drink it all day long. If I don't, I don't. Diet soda makes my stomach hurt, and yet, I still drink it. What is wrong with me? I mean, is it psychological or something?

2. This week, two days in a row I went to bed with at least ten points left. Yeah, that's what happens when you have no food in the house - for me, it means not eating anything. Now, because of my history with starvation (also known as anorexia) I think God has inserted a mechanism in my body that will not allow me to go unreasonable periods of time without food. When I don't eat, I get sick. And I do mean SICK. Then, I can't eat because I'm sick. It's a vicious, ridiculous cycle, and seriously - it's a good reminder that - duh! - I need to be eating regular food.

3. No groceries. I mean, that's a given. I have had no fruit or anything. It's a bad, bad scene. In my defense, how do you shop at Wal-mart with three kids when one is in a car seat that only fits in the big part of the cart? Where then, do you put food? I'm confused.

4. My 'free' day. I get 35 bonus points a week. Typically, I stockpile them and eat them all on one day. Thursday. that day, I allow myself the White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. I still get nonfat, no whip, but it's 7 points. My brain kicks into overdrive and I think "That was only seven. There's no way I'm going to use my normal 25 points, plus the 28 extra bonus points I have in one day" so I don't track. I think this is unwise. I think the points on a blizzard (even a small one) coupled with a cheeseburger and fries (which always - always make my stomach hurt) add up a lot quicker than I'm realizing.

So, that's the update in my saga. I am at a turning point right now. About to cross into a new 'decade' in my weight, if you will. I need to see the new decade next week or there's going to be issues. So, today is Thursday - my free day - but I'm going to track. Let's see if that helps.

:)

I can't remember... did I ever take a May picture? sigh. My days are all blurring together!

:) How are you doing? Still with me?

17 and holding.

How long has it been?

Too long, I'm afraid. But I'm still on the plan, following it faithfully and hopefully seeing my numbers drop. Last week, I used my 'no weigh in pass.' I went to the meeting and learned all about throwing together quick meals that aren't going to trip you up. Seriously glad I was there. But after a week of food at the conference we went to, I just didn't want to get up there and see that I'd gained anything. (In truth, I weighed on my scale and I was the same, which is better than gaining... but a week with no loss in my book would just be sad, so I used the no weigh-in pass.)

So I'm sitting still at 17 down and needing the scale to budge this Thursday.

I am concentrating on REALLY recording my points. I'd gotten away from it sort of, and tried to do too much in my head. Now, I'm back to writing it all down and drinking tons of water. :) It's a good thing. I'm even craving the water, so that's good.

The weather's getting nicer so I'm thinking outdoor walks are well on their way. I cannot wait to get outside more! And I really can't wait to get a lawn. That's coming in the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, I'm still here, plugging away. Trying to avoid junk food and really relying on Smart Ones for lunches. It's just easier right now - and the joy of cooking isn't there so much when I'm busy.

How about you? Doing okay? Still with me? angry that I've abandoned you for too long?

Go ahead, I can take it! I've been a bad blogger! I know! I will try to do better! I promise!

Hope you're doing well!

Seventeen down.

... let's focus on that instead of figuring out how far I still have to go.

Yesterday I went to Wal-mart. It's really hard for me to get there because if I have any children with me, I won't have room for all the food in the cart. I think it's been since February that I went. Yes. You read that right. In the meantime, I've run to our little local store up the street (well, down the interstate) and gotten the necessities to get us through, but they don't have my Weight Watchers stuff or good fruit. As I checked out, something went through my head...

I'm setting myself up to succeed.

I even bought a mango. I've never had one before, but I thought it would be fun for me to try it with the kids. There's all kinds of goofy looking fruit I've never tasted. Why not give them a go? I filled my cart with stuff I knew my family would eat, but also stuff that will keep me from eating the stuff my family will eat. For instance, Adam LOVES these Fudge stick cookies and the Famous Amos vanilla sandwich cookies (which are really yummy.) So, while I knew I wanted to get those for him, I knew I needed an alternative for me.

Enter the Mrs. Freshley's Swiss rolls and peanut bars (think Nutty bars and Swiss Cake Rolls). Also the Weight Watchers frozen stuff which I love. I also bought some fat free vanilla yogurt so I could make this recipe for a cookies and cream shake. (Think FF vanilla yogurt, Reduced fat Oreos - four of them and skim milk.) I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds yum.

I have taken four versions of my April photo and all stink. I guess I'm going to have to post the least of the gross photos. I really need highlights again. And a hair cut. And a pedicure. But hey, Jesus loves me, right?

Okay.

I told you about the hair. yow. And we're going on vacation next week, so looks like I"m just going to have to go as I am. bah. It's hard to find time to do that when you have three kids!

Anyway. I was down another pound last Thursday bringing my grand total to 17 pounds. Don't you wish you could spot reduce? I seem to be losing in one area in particular and not so much the hips and thighs. I noticed yesterday that my stomach really needs some help - the kind that may only come through a series of crunches... but that's okay. I can handle it.

So, little by little it comes off. It's funny because I think it's easy to assume you'll lose quickly or be at a certain place by a certain time, and it doesn't always go that way. The thing is, while it's coming off slowly, I know it's coming off for good... and that makes it worth it.

Our neighborhood is perfect for walking - it's a big circle, so it's like a track, and there's sidewalks and lots of people out walking all the time. I'm going to look into a better stroller. I never got a walking stroller, but in the fall it's just going to be me and Sam around here, so it's perfect.

Last night, I made a Weight Watchers mac and cheese. It was pretty good. It had dijon mustard and sour cream in it, but I still think I baked it too long because it was a little dried out. Sophia loved it. Ethan had been eating non-stop yesterday (he eats in spurts. It's like he stockpiles his food), so he wasn't very hungry. He said he only had room 'here' (pointing to the right side of his belly.) "And only for dessert."

Yeah, right, buddy. Go sell crazy somewhere else.

He went to bed without ice cream.

Anyway. The recipe:

Was POINTS® Value: 9
Now POINTS® Value: 5
Servings: 8
Preparation Time: 18 min
Cooking Time: 40 min
Level of Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients

• 12 oz uncooked macaroni, elbow-type
• 1/2 cup fat-free sour cream
• 12 oz fat-free evaporated milk
• 8 oz low-fat cheddar or colby cheese, shredded
• 1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1/4 tsp table salt
• 1/4 tsp black pepper
• 1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
• 2 Tbsp dried bread crumbs
• 2 Tbsp grated Parmesan cheese

Instructions

• Preheat oven to 350ºF.
• Cook pasta according to package directions without added fat or salt; drain and transfer to a large bowl. While pasta is still hot, stir in sour cream; set aside.
• Heat milk in a small saucepan over medium heat until tiny bubbles appear just around the edges (known as scalding). Reduce heat to low, add cheese and simmer until cheese melts, stirring constantly with a wire whisk, about 2 minutes; remove from heat and stir in mustard, salt, pepper and nutmeg.
• Add cheese mixture to pasta; mix well. Transfer to a 3-quart casserole dish.
• Combine bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese; sprinkle over pasta.
• Bake until top is golden, about 30 minutes. Yields about 1 cup per serving.

It's yummy!

Why go to a meeting?

...Well, I'm glad you asked. I'll tell ya why.

Since Easter, I have to admit. I have not done well. I've managed to slip by with a pound or two loss a week and today I was down .4 - not a good loss, but not a gain, so still, it's something. At the same time, I KNOW I should be losing about 2 pounds a week - and I'm just wasting time by sneaking Easter candy from the cabinet.

Yes, I confess. The leftover mini Reeses cups. No one polished those off except me. And the Rolos? Me too. Was I tracking these little sins? Nope. Just eating. Figuring my bonus points would cover it. Not making good choices. It's horrible.

But today, in our meeting, a woman who had been dieting forever found out she had lost 6 pounds in two weeks. She was ecstatic. I mean, she was giddy. And it was contagious. I remember what it felt like to discover that I could lose weight and not sacrifice eating the things I love. It brought back all those memories and finally, finally gave me the motivation I have been needing. The thing is, I've recognized my lack of desire, but I've been unable to get out of this funk. today, though, a day when I usually use up all of my bonus points for the week, I am back on track and feeling 100% ready to conquer this week - even though we are going to go out of town for a few days. Yes, I CAN do it. :)

Anyway, my plan of attack starts with taking control of my environment. See, I work from home.That means at any given point during the day, my kitchen is just steps away. And so is this:

Meet my arch nemesis.

The candy jar.

All of the birthday and Easter candy finds its way here so the kids don't pig out on it. They get to have it for treats and stuff, but me? I can have it whenever I want. Let's just say lately I've been wanting it nearly every time I walk into the kitchen. Somehow, I've stopped telling myself no.

Now, I don't eat the 'big' candy - notice the Cadbury creme egg is still waiting to be devoured... but the little stuff... it's fine and apparently, in my mind, it's point-free. One or two a day would probably be fine, but the truth is, I visit this jar of sin on a regular basis throughout the day - mostly out of boredom. If I'm really honest with myself, I'd have to say I usually don't even TASTE the candy while I'm eating it. It just pop it in my mouth and chew and swallow. No thought to enjoying it at all.

So today, I'm stuffing Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt we are still waiting to have around our house - the one Ethan will not let me forget - and I'm taking this candy to the church to use on the prize cart in Faith Kids. I'm taking control of my environment.

One thing that's really been helping me lately because I have been insanely busy are the Smart Ones meals and especially the desserts. I love desserts. My favorite blizzard is the Cookie Dough blizzard. I'm too lazy to look it up, but a small is well over 20 points. Yeah. Think on that while you're eating one. It's crazy! But I've discovered these:

They are amazing. They're only three points each. I eat one every single night after I put the kids to bed. It's my special treat. I know that's not a good picture, but you get the point.

I also like their meals, which really help me at lunch. The new Quesadillas are really good and only 4 points for one. The mac and cheese is pretty good too - almost too much for me to eat in one sitting. And I check the points values on the Lean Cuisine meals too. I'm finding having these things around the house really helps me when I need something quick or I have forgotten to eat. I highly recommend them!

So, while I don't have any new recipes to try... those are my food tips for the day!

I'm off to fill my jug with water again. Just having it around makes me drink it. I drank a lot yesterday so I'm doing good with that!

I hope you can refocus and control your environment too! It's going to work wonders! :)

I know what's tripping me up.

I am a creature of habit. Routine. I like everything in its place... order, detail. When I am succeeding on my weight loss journey, I have the same thing for breakfast everyday and it gets me started the right way. Since that something is a cup of coffee and a Weight Watchers muffin, I am struggling. See, I can only find these muffins at Wal-mart... and I haven't had time for a full fledged Wal-mart run... just the quick, pick up something for dinner for a couple days kind of run.

By the way, you know how grocery stores sell roasted chickens? Seriously - how easy is that? Peel off the skin and go to town - dinner for the whole family and it's already cooked for you. I did this on Sunday because after the weekend away I wanted something healthy as opposed to quick food (or not eating anything, which is not good either.) I made some rice to go along with it (this kind was 4 pts. a cup without the butter.)

Anyway, when you start the day off wrong, you're doomed. And frankly, I've gotten lazy. When something is new, it's easy to be gung-ho. The trick is keeping it up when it isn't fun anymore. Not slipping back into old habits - and that's hard. I have a wonderful knack of quitting before I cross the finish line - convincing myself I'm satisfied where I'm at. But I'm not. Not even close... so on I press.

Need to go back and read those things I was hoping to change... I dont' think I've changed them yet. Thing is, in spite of my horrible-ness, I don't think I've gone over my points. I am just making bad choices and using up way too many too quickly and then starving at the end of the day... or allowing myself to peruse the candy aisle (has anyone else ever had to literally have a conversation with themselves to get out of that aisle? I did. Last night. I thought it might be nice to replace the milk duds I've been snitching and not counting... and then that voice creeped in...WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF THIS AISLE! THIS STUFF MAKES YOU FEEL CRAPPY! RUN! RUN! To which I naturally respond: Oh, it's just Swedish Fish. How bad can they be?

Yeah. You know that voice. The one that convinces you it's not that bad. It is though. It is that bad. Especially when you eat an entire bag in one sitting. Seriously. Run out of that aisle.

So, I listened. That's the key. Listen to that voice. If you don't, you can never win at this journey.

I haven't posted my April picture yet. Course I haven't paid my April bills yet either, so you can see I'm a little behind. I will, I promise.

Mean time, I am going to have breakfast and fill up my water jug. Just filling it up will usually make me drink it.

Hope you're staying on track!

well, glory be... how the heck did that happen?

It's official.. I have lost fifteen pounds. Do not ask me how on God's green earth I managed to lose a pound this week, but I did. And I'm happy. I keep reminding myself if I would get back my STRICTNESS this wouldn't go so slowly. I would be farther along now.

And then there's the ladies' tea. Our pastor's wife took all of us to this tea room today. They serve all kinds of 'delicacies' they call them. They should call them "SIN." They are bite sized so you think they're hardly anything, but I know better. I know a tiny praline cheesecake is still probably about three or four points. I know the homemade lemon pudding thing they gave us at the end was definitely at least the same... and itty bitty egg salad sandwich had to be up there too. Yes, folks, today was a day to add bonus points to my tally. The hard part is, I have no idea how many.

I am going to attempt to add them up according to other similar items, but I'll add a few points on just to be safe.

Anyway, tomorrow it's all back to crazy point counting for me. I want to see if I can lose more than one pound if I am ridiculously diligent and stop popping food in my mouth absent-mindedly  (like Starbursts on the way out the door or whatever.) This has got to be holding me up.

So. That's my story. we'll see how tomorrow goes!

:) PS. I still haven't gotten groceries.